i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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