You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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