i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
