In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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