All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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