Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
