Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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