Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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