I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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