Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
