if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
