Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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