In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
