saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car