is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I want her autograph on my taint
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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