i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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