I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
