when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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