You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
