Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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