If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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