his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
