i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
