Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
