she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
