I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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