I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
