i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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