my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
