ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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