All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think I sprained my soul last night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
