In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
