you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
