TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
