Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
