you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
