dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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