Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
