I need help removing her.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
