We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
