OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
