is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will pee on everything he values.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
