I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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