Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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