Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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