I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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