when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
