I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize