She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
