how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
