You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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