I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
