You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
