I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
