I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
